New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
