But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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