Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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