dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
