he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
