I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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