Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
