if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
