Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
