I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
