every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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