i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
