PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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