I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
