I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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