I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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