Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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