I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
