the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
