So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
