On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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