nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
