i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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