Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
