Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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