the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.