my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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