I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
In America we eat man semen.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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