Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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