This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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