Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
