I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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