i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
