this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
