GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
