i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
