god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
love makes seman taste better
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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