Apparently you make a good broom.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
