I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
