he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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