You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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