I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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