why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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