i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
