Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
