I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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