We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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