Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
