If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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