I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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