Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
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I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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