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whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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