don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
