it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
