Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
