My Higher Power is John Stamos
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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