So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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