Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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