What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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