I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
