So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
